A Month Already

Real Time. Yesterday was a month since Ben passed. It both seems much less and like really forever and yet a third thing: an illusion. I still have the feelings at times that he's not dead. People think so, but it's not true. I remember Friday night in the ER and know better. I have to see that scene again to focus on the new reality.. a
About 1:00 AM on the 25th it ,in all its finality, hit hard and forcefully and I scared the dogs with my sobs far into the night.. Maybe by common wisdom that is a good thing but I really didn't enjoy it much.  I had talked with Benj and the boys and Lainy, David and Kathryn for Easter and wished I could take the good advice I offered - finding good memories and focusing on them. Oh well please children do what I say, not what I do - and for how long have I said that! Molly climbed up on my bed in the morning and cuddled with me for the first time since. She's also started playing a little with her toys and rag-rag pulling. Simon is better again although he doesn't want me far from him and Boris is still Boris. For uninitiated, Molly is my Wheaten, Simon and Boris are 10 year old long-haired dachshunds. Simon is deaf since birth and nearly blind; he has spent his entire life in Ben's lap or at the least on his feet. He has had spells of shrieking barks at night, calling for Ben. I can not take his painful cries and have tried to help him but it is difficult. How do you explain this to an old deaf dog?? Especially when I can't explain it too well to myself..