One would incline oneself to be paranoid if the thought of deliberate unkindnesses were put upon a grieving family. Unfortunatly, I am not paranoid, just newly experienced. I found items on a Visa statement that indicated my husband reached fro beyond the memorial garden and purchased several items on April 1. They were small ticket items and the bank said nothing could be done without a police report and we decided for the tieing to let it go. Then a few days later I received two packages in the mail. Yes, from the life after death orders made on April 1. One was especially disturbing. It was fro a religious company of some sort and included a DVD of some supposedly Christian material. It sounded very fundameentalist - not our thing. Holding myself in a tight rein I called the company. No apology, no explanation or even a moment of hesitation when told of the strange circumstances of the initial order, has lead me to believe that it is a usual business practice. I insisted on getting a return authorization number and informed them that I would not tolerate any further contact. The cost of the return postage was more than enough added to the impossible $6.95 or so advance mailing costs. I am quite comfortable with the notion that they more often than not get the additional $79.95 for the DVD. from family members who are too overwhelmed to do other than pay up.
Other cruelities were less deliberate. My current all time. low is from the woman from the death and senior services department at the state of Missouri. I needed extra death certificates and sent $53.00 off with the forms to get some more. A week later I received my stamped, self-addressed envelope back informing me that I needed to use a different form - and it most be notarized. I took care of that and waitid for an additional 10 days before calling to inquire what the delay was. I first had to endure the woman stumbling all over my husband's middle name, remarking "That's sure a funny name, where did he get that?" "She kept muttering about the name over and over and had to be reminded that I was not calling for such commentary. I did have questions such as where were the certificates, where is the money from the check they had cashed some two weeks before/in general, what was going on? The answer was that the certificated was not even filed yet, it wouldn't be for probably three or four weeks and if I wanted my money back I could get it but I would then have to start all over. I suggested that was a miserable way to run a department that received much of its business from grieving families that were in great need of the documents in order to carry out the business of death. I was told " Surely madam you can't think your husband's death is the only one we are dealing with.? Lots of people died in March in this state(!!!)." Which part of the general concern I had expressed on the part of grieving families had she not heard!?! I said the department could have sent me a note explaining when the certificate would be sent and my options. She reached in for her trump card and explained that I certainly couldn't expect the state to call me personally. No, I didn't but I did think it would not take any more than a few seconds to add the relevant information to the memo they had sent me stating that I had to use a different form.. Game, set, match.
I think of St. Luke's billing department as the second cruelest contact but it some ways it wins hands down. One, it is a faith-based hospital and it is my faith's hospital.. Sarah and I had received such comfort from the ER staff that she suggested that we list St. Luke's as one of the memorial alternatives. I was later happy that no one had donated to that choice. I received a bill from St. Luke's. addressed to Ben. There is a certain stab of pain when one goes through the mail and finds these addressings. Sarah relayed that a friend from school told her of her pain when such mail arrived, so it is not just my personal fancy. When it is from the hospital he died in the pain level is still higher. I called the billing department to check that they did have the right insurance information. The woman read back the right numbers . I called BCBS subsequent to that call and was given a caseworker to help with this process. We called back St. Luke's billing the next day on a conference call and we were argued with about what had been billed and when.. I held firm on the dates I had, but the woman became hostile(!). I asked the BCBS lady to let's just give up for now I couldn't take the argumentative tone right then . I then asked the billing person if they could change the addressee for the bills, to my name. She rejected that idea asking why they shouldn't bill the person who received the services. "Because he died in your ER that night." [Wouldn't you think such a notation would be included in the information sent to billing?] I think a little sensitivity training would be helpful.. I received another bill from St..Luke's the next day and some $800.00 in charges had been removed. Since part of the removed charges included an OR I think they had originally billed me for the costs assumed by the transplant network. That makes me a bit suspicious for others who may not have been watching bills carefully as well as being watched over by a supportive insurance company..
Most people I have come in contact with have been intentionally kind.. Unbelievably kind. It wouldn't take much for most others to think about how they would feel in such circumstances and opt into a gentler way of speaking.. As for the predators such as the DVD company, such pain is their stock in trade - just beware...
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