The Hardest Day

What a day! I had told myself I would do this and I did, but it was, simply put, awful! I felt it was so very important to put Ben's clothes to good use and there is no one I know near his size (not even clothes size). How many 3XTall, size 14 shoe men does one meet in a lifetime?  I won't go into the other size concept issues as he remains larger than life itself to me, as well as to many who knew him. That may be part of why I can not fully accept that he is gone. Anyway, after today he won't have to come back to the sport coats, pants and shoes (something he didn't really like too much anyway, he preferred his slippers, knit shirts or flannels and worn-in pants). They are gone down to the church to go on to Joplin to hopefully outfit someone of generous proportions  who is in need of them. I really thought I had talked myself into this based on the need. I certainly tried to. I had sent boxes of his woven shirts to Lainy to make into quilts as she can and that wasn't too hard. But today, taking his clothes down from the closet was. There haven't been too many times that I have utterly broken down, even though I have talked about crying too much in the blog posts. Today broke me. I did it. The clothes are gone but the price was/is higher than I thought. I know people talk about taking the lost loved one's clothes as a particularly taxing procedure. Now I understand. Why, I don't know, but I think the thought that the clothes are gone means quite clearly that he is also really gone, is at the root. Knowing is not always really knowing.

Meme Change Meme Chose

The above is one of my favorite phrases from French class, translate: the more things change, the more they remain the same (extra words are for clarity). That is sort of the stage I am stuck in right now. Every morning when I awake Ben dies again as I emerge from sleep and confront the day. Doing this for some several months becomes demoralizing and discouraging. You can not know how much I want to move past this but as yet I really don't know how it will happen. If it could become a fact that falls about me as a mantle, there at all times, that might do it. Is that acceptance?

Things are fairly routine right now. I have gardening to do and yard work collecting and breaking down branches and vines when it is not too hot to be able to work outside. There is straightening, organizing, and the consequent throwing away and hauling it off to the recycle or trash pickup. And, for respite, there is knitting as well as cooking, as necessary. There is also working on the computer systems as I try to convert to my new Mac notebook which I love for the feel and look of it but not because of the many parts of its systems or operations which I don't as yet understand. Right now I have to keep Outlook going on both it and the PC because it is not cooperating fully and some emails come on the Mac, others on the PC and still others, sometimes, on both. Ah technology!

I was just on the phone and reminded of my new big task. I want to give Ben's gently worn clothes to the relief for the Joplin tornado victims that the church is organizing. I am not otherwise ready to do this but I feel this is so important an opportunity to do good that I simply must. There surely is someone who is a large tall (3XT) wearing a 13 or 14 wide shoe who needs these things so much and there aren't too many donors that size. I think I have covered my limitations in that I said I will get the things down to the church but I will not organize and mark them. Someone else can do that. In exchange I will help elsewhere in the donations of ladies clothes or toys, household goods, whatever. I can't really imagine the level of need for those people but I do know I must try to help as much as possible. I am breaking into my stash also as I can really imagine how deep the need is for a knitter or crocheter to be able to get her hands on yarn. The therapy inherent in the act of doing needlework can be so very helpful - that I know. I am also going to load books. Once you start thinking, the list just grows. Such a long list of needs emerges when your world as you know it has blown away, really blown away, not just figuratively.

We have finally got our plans for the Oshkosh trip worked out. Benj has to fly up commercially Thursday to work the airshow for Cessna and Sarah, the kids and I will drive up Saturday. We will all stay in Madison Saturday night (which makes the drive seem much shorter) and go on to the service all together Sunday AM. We'll go back to Madison, change back into driving clothes and return home Sunday afternoon and Benj will fly on to Hartford Conn. Monday AM. So much for the biz jet. It seems Cessna is only flying up with a load of people the first Sunday and retrieving them on the 31st. I really am more comfortable with my own plans and transport and not being a Cessna PR item. This change of transport occurred in a series of misadventures today but seem to be set now. I have to go to the farmers' market tomorrow to get some fresh produce for Benj and Amy's party Saturday. I am taking a couple of salads.

It's 12:23 and I must get sleep.

Picking Up Pieces

Ben was the consummate fireworks unindicted co-conspirator for Kelsey - and on occasion, Emma. Last month Kelsey asked, as the fireworks stands started to appear around the edges of town, "Are you going to take me around to get fireworks?" "Of course," I said brightly, "If you want me to." And so today we did just that. Emma came along, too. And just to know background, I had arranged for Kelsey, Emma and me to go down to visit Benj and his family for the 4th. I knew I couldn't in all good mental and emotional health stay at home facing alone both Ben's and Robert's birthdays (on the 2nd and 3rd) and a favorite holiday. I couldn't figure out anything exiting other than spending time with still more grands so I invited myself to Benj's. This is a somewhat bold but necessary thing to do and something I don't feel Benj feels too used about. So, on with the story, Kelsey spent much of the past week poring over fireworks ads, looking at the stands as he went around town, making notes of coupons and what he wanted to buy as well as laying out a route. I amended it to include a stop at the airport to pay the hangar rental while we were at the stand about a block away. Kelsey asked if I was going to go into the stands with them or wait in the car. To know my options, one must realize it is sunny and 93 degrees as we leave the house, would you wait in the car? It seems in the recent years Ben waited in the car. I didn't. Also, I had a secret agenda of basically buying most of the fireworks, after Kelsey and Emma selected them thinking they were going to pay. This way they would get what they wanted and be aware of the cost but still not out much money. I feel constantly in a position of wanting to do for them as a thank you for their daily kinds of help and conpanionship.  We started out on the route Kelsey had laid out and he also got to do a little more driving. He seemed to prefer looking at his ads after the first group of stands so I took over the driver duties. We went to four tent-style stands and in each I picked up the majority of the tab after the kids selected the assortment. I, being a fireworks neophyte just read descriptions and asked questions about various kinds of boomers and then pulled out the wallet at the sales counter - AND by 4 stops while the temperature rose and the Escape information panel informed me it was now 99 degrees I melted. It was passed glow or any other mid-Victorian nicety, I sweat! By that time we also had a nice stash of  various kinds of displays for both little kids and older ones, day and night. Benj's neighbor is really doing a big display for the evening of the 4th so I thought it not such a good idea to take over part of his act. Kelsey was missing that aspect of his purchases so I suggested we have a small display at home tonight after dark. That seemed like a good idea, so he selected some for that. I requested that we have a few for midnight on New Year's Eve since I truly want to celebrate putting 2011 behind me, another idea that met with approval and understanding. As we got into the car after the last of the tent stands Kelsey said rather sternly, "Gram, we are going to have to cut you off. You have bought enough fireworks." I think that really meant I had done well. We went into the one stand left, the one with air-conditioning and they found the few that they felt they still needed and then Kelsey treated us to a limeade as we headed back home. Kelsey arranged a show at 9:00 PM in the driveway and we had plastic chairs set up for viewing. It was a pretty fine show but I rather over-envisioned the American flag aspect of one of the goodies I bought. It said that it had showers of colors and an American flag at the end. I thought that meant up in the air a flag would erupt in fiery colors. Wrong! After a fountain of colors shot out of the top there was a kind of a pop and upon later inspection a small plastic flag came out on a paper flagpole - not really visible in the dark, but what can one expect for 75 cents!?!
Actually two things - we had fun in the buying expedition and the show and, most importantly, I think the kids and my entry level upper management fellow would be,  if not proud of me, at least satisfied that I was trying to fill in. Oh, I also found out that he had stayed in the car after the year he bought one $30.00 aerial boomer. I think it was financial self-preservation trumping high heat.