First Business

Saturday truly began the business of death. Initeria, as in physics, is a necessary part of it as the progress through the day began slowly, building up steam as it went on. There were still too many people to tell. Every free moment found me back at the address book on his Mac finding different ways to tell different people some who I knew and loved, others I had instant memories of as their name flashed  on screen and still more that I had never met but who shared some of Ben's life. How many different ways can one say "he's gone"!?! And, how many times? I found, only a few at a time. I had emailed my brother's widow in California Friday night, I think instinctively reaching out to someone who would know my feelings. She called and we wept together as she shared the kind of emotion another widow (that still sounds so foreign, I can't accept that label yet) can. She also relayed that her lung cancer had progressed and she had hospice in her near future. That was not something  I wanted to hear - not another impending loss.  If I was noton the phone it was ringing. Sue checked in and we set 4:00 pm Sunday to plan the service which we set for Wednesday. Hank called about funeral home details and I immediately felt cossetted by his quiet strength and knowledge. We would meet noon on Sunday to allow Benj, Zach and whoever  a  final viewing, as well as produce the obituary and other service details. All of us who are in town will go Lainy will arrive with son David early Monday and definitely need a nap since they are coming from Portland, OR via Atlanta starting out Sunday night. I talk with Benj again and convince him to .come up Sunday rather than today and then go back to get the boys on Sunday. I really don't want him driving up and down the highway between here and Andover (KS) these next two days. He needs to see me and get a hug and I need it, too, but I can't indulge myself with this much short term travel for him, especially under stress. He's  a good child, he listens to his mother. Mary Ann calls from the church to tell me not to worry about the reception. It will be done.  Wow. A load goes away and I feel grateful for one more kindness.  We also discuss the flowers which must be limited due to it being Lent.  The day goes by alternately quite fast and slowly inching along. The recliner to my right remains empty, my body mirrors the hollowness and when the house is once again quiet and I am alone I write his obituary. I have written several obits. and understand the process.
How to write an obituary: first understand that you write for several purposes. One is historical  record, so you provide data of birth, death, family. You list employment/occupation information, memberships in associations and notable achievements. education, survivors, when services are to be held along with memorial requests. It harder when you are "his wife of 49 years, Joyce. . ." (that was the awkward construct I put to our relationship). We have a good picture taken of both of us last May, which we just gave to the children for Valentine's Day. It can be cropped to show Ben alone. I wrap up in my chair in the quilt Lainy made me for Christmas and pretend to sleep to the sounds from the television.