Think of Sally Fields and several iconic images - and verbage - come to mind. The first one for me is the Oscar acceptance speech to the effect, " You love me, you really love me!!". That's not the Sally Fields quote I have in mind. Second, is the great image on the cutting room table as Norma Rae in the movie that may have resulted in her quote number one, anyway it was dramatic and inspiring and I like that one, but that's not it, either. The one I have in mind is the cemetary scene with her friends in "Steel Magnolias".
I did what might be considered a dumb move and watched "Steel Magnolias" last night on the television. I have only seen it a few times and it had been a few years since the last viewing, all the actresses involved are faves of mine and produced great ensemble acting, so I sat back when I returned from my stitchery group and ate my leftover aspergus risotto (homemade) while I watched the movie. One might say "big mistake, Joyce". It depends on your point of view. I really didn't need to see the ladies swathed in black, but I wouldn't have missed that Sally Fields speech for anything. Of course I watched with tears splashing down my face. I always have teared up for this movie and I always will. I have earned the right to really let them roll down my face this year. But what I heard as I have never heard before so clearly was her "WHY?" questions. She said as I wish I were less ladylike enough to ask "Why did this happen?" She begged and cried at the top of her voice for an answer from her friends -and God - and for understanding, while I only whispered.
Let's hear it for histrionics! You rock, Sally! I love you, I really love you.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Lessons from of All Things - the Mayflower!
The last post helped my day today so much that I decided to go with it, not think of it as a fluke and write some more. I also think of much of this recent series of realizations within a nautical metaphor. So with apologies to my my truly nautical daughter and son-in-law, here goes.
One activity that I have been consistently able to do these past months has been reading. I have read a lot of fiction and punctuated that with historical books on a range of subjects, mostly American or English histories. I am at the time reading Nathaniel Philbrook's Mayflower. He discusses the Pilgrims' harrowing trip across the late fall Atlantic in the frail ship. And he includes on page 31 the strategy of " lying ahull" which Master Jones employed during some of this journey. He states that"to lie ahull--to furl the sails and without a stitch of canvas set, secure the helm to leeward and surrender his 180-ton ship to the elements." He also notes that a reproduction ship had to face similar gale forces and attempt the same strategy. The question was "would she lie that way, more or less quietly, with the windage of the high poop keeping her shoulder to the sea? Or would she just wallow hopelessly in the great troughs threatening to roll her masts out? We didn't know. No one had tried the maneuver in a ship like that for maybe two centuries."
"As soon as the ship's bow swung into the wind, a remarkable change came over the Mayflower II. Even though she was under bare poles in a howling gale, her slablike topsides functioned as a kind of wooden storm sail magically steadying the ship's motion. Almost perfectly balanced the Mayflower II sat like a contented duck amid the uproar of the storm. After being pounded unmercifully by the waves, the ship was finally at peace."
I don't intend the harp upon the analogy and I draw the lines this side of admitting to a "slablike topside" But having wallowed in the depths of my own troughs of late I found myself able to find a balance and within reasonable limits be at peace beyond that which I had known for some time. I think it came at least in part from taking a risk to face into the gale and hold a steady course for a sustained period of time, which wasn't all that long, but still beyond that which I had done these past weeks. The result was that I had my first good whole day in a long while, I was able to be productive and to think about some plans I need to make. The sorrow is still my companion but I feel a balance I have not known and that lifts my heart. We don't always anticipate the lessons learned from history.
One activity that I have been consistently able to do these past months has been reading. I have read a lot of fiction and punctuated that with historical books on a range of subjects, mostly American or English histories. I am at the time reading Nathaniel Philbrook's Mayflower. He discusses the Pilgrims' harrowing trip across the late fall Atlantic in the frail ship. And he includes on page 31 the strategy of " lying ahull" which Master Jones employed during some of this journey. He states that"to lie ahull--to furl the sails and without a stitch of canvas set, secure the helm to leeward and surrender his 180-ton ship to the elements." He also notes that a reproduction ship had to face similar gale forces and attempt the same strategy. The question was "would she lie that way, more or less quietly, with the windage of the high poop keeping her shoulder to the sea? Or would she just wallow hopelessly in the great troughs threatening to roll her masts out? We didn't know. No one had tried the maneuver in a ship like that for maybe two centuries."
"As soon as the ship's bow swung into the wind, a remarkable change came over the Mayflower II. Even though she was under bare poles in a howling gale, her slablike topsides functioned as a kind of wooden storm sail magically steadying the ship's motion. Almost perfectly balanced the Mayflower II sat like a contented duck amid the uproar of the storm. After being pounded unmercifully by the waves, the ship was finally at peace."
I don't intend the harp upon the analogy and I draw the lines this side of admitting to a "slablike topside" But having wallowed in the depths of my own troughs of late I found myself able to find a balance and within reasonable limits be at peace beyond that which I had known for some time. I think it came at least in part from taking a risk to face into the gale and hold a steady course for a sustained period of time, which wasn't all that long, but still beyond that which I had done these past weeks. The result was that I had my first good whole day in a long while, I was able to be productive and to think about some plans I need to make. The sorrow is still my companion but I feel a balance I have not known and that lifts my heart. We don't always anticipate the lessons learned from history.
More Than a Month. . . .
It's been more than a month since my last post. I wish that meant that things are better. They probably were better when I was posting more regularly, but I have too much on my mind to write. Feeling that today I decided to get back at it.
Much of my excuse for not writing centered on my unfamiliarity with my new computer. It is easier keyboarding with it (after all how much fun can a 10 inch PC be?) but I have to do some things differently with the mac and this is one less thing to think about doing differently.
I also grew weary of my referring to tears so much, but like it or not they are still my nearest companion. I don't cry that easily in front of others, nor discuss it openly but I do find tears slipping up on me still on a daily basis. I'll have a random thought or come across something provoking a memory and there they are. I don't think of myself as gloomy but there are just so many memories. . . . It's lonely here especially now that school and soccer practice and dance have started and I don't see the kids so much. I really should do more but I have found that my right leg is better when I am off it more. I have spent more time knitting and have finished projects to my recent credit. That means, in addition to sitting in my chair, my focus is improving. I had been unable to knit with purpose for the past several months. Wow! just writing these sentences have lifted my feelings! I guess writing - and knitting - do help. I have just completed a project and I must get busy to start a new one. I am back at my housecleaning efforts, too. Benj will be up here before I know it to do the floors. I also need to stuff more tubs of yard waste - nice term for limbs from the old trees which have succumbed to the summer storms this past month. There isn't any produce to carry in from the garden. The heat wave took care of that. But it seems that most of the roses are coming back now that the weather is kinder and gentler. I did plant mums in the window boxes to replace the heat-killed petunias et al.
With a promise to myself to get back to this project more regularly - my determination to find some resolution in my writing is probably what makes it helpful - I will try sleep again. Good night.
Much of my excuse for not writing centered on my unfamiliarity with my new computer. It is easier keyboarding with it (after all how much fun can a 10 inch PC be?) but I have to do some things differently with the mac and this is one less thing to think about doing differently.
I also grew weary of my referring to tears so much, but like it or not they are still my nearest companion. I don't cry that easily in front of others, nor discuss it openly but I do find tears slipping up on me still on a daily basis. I'll have a random thought or come across something provoking a memory and there they are. I don't think of myself as gloomy but there are just so many memories. . . . It's lonely here especially now that school and soccer practice and dance have started and I don't see the kids so much. I really should do more but I have found that my right leg is better when I am off it more. I have spent more time knitting and have finished projects to my recent credit. That means, in addition to sitting in my chair, my focus is improving. I had been unable to knit with purpose for the past several months. Wow! just writing these sentences have lifted my feelings! I guess writing - and knitting - do help. I have just completed a project and I must get busy to start a new one. I am back at my housecleaning efforts, too. Benj will be up here before I know it to do the floors. I also need to stuff more tubs of yard waste - nice term for limbs from the old trees which have succumbed to the summer storms this past month. There isn't any produce to carry in from the garden. The heat wave took care of that. But it seems that most of the roses are coming back now that the weather is kinder and gentler. I did plant mums in the window boxes to replace the heat-killed petunias et al.
With a promise to myself to get back to this project more regularly - my determination to find some resolution in my writing is probably what makes it helpful - I will try sleep again. Good night.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Hardest Day
What a day! I had told myself I would do this and I did, but it was, simply put, awful! I felt it was so very important to put Ben's clothes to good use and there is no one I know near his size (not even clothes size). How many 3XTall, size 14 shoe men does one meet in a lifetime? I won't go into the other size concept issues as he remains larger than life itself to me, as well as to many who knew him. That may be part of why I can not fully accept that he is gone. Anyway, after today he won't have to come back to the sport coats, pants and shoes (something he didn't really like too much anyway, he preferred his slippers, knit shirts or flannels and worn-in pants). They are gone down to the church to go on to Joplin to hopefully outfit someone of generous proportions who is in need of them. I really thought I had talked myself into this based on the need. I certainly tried to. I had sent boxes of his woven shirts to Lainy to make into quilts as she can and that wasn't too hard. But today, taking his clothes down from the closet was. There haven't been too many times that I have utterly broken down, even though I have talked about crying too much in the blog posts. Today broke me. I did it. The clothes are gone but the price was/is higher than I thought. I know people talk about taking the lost loved one's clothes as a particularly taxing procedure. Now I understand. Why, I don't know, but I think the thought that the clothes are gone means quite clearly that he is also really gone, is at the root. Knowing is not always really knowing.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Meme Change Meme Chose
The above is one of my favorite phrases from French class, translate: the more things change, the more they remain the same (extra words are for clarity). That is sort of the stage I am stuck in right now. Every morning when I awake Ben dies again as I emerge from sleep and confront the day. Doing this for some several months becomes demoralizing and discouraging. You can not know how much I want to move past this but as yet I really don't know how it will happen. If it could become a fact that falls about me as a mantle, there at all times, that might do it. Is that acceptance?
Things are fairly routine right now. I have gardening to do and yard work collecting and breaking down branches and vines when it is not too hot to be able to work outside. There is straightening, organizing, and the consequent throwing away and hauling it off to the recycle or trash pickup. And, for respite, there is knitting as well as cooking, as necessary. There is also working on the computer systems as I try to convert to my new Mac notebook which I love for the feel and look of it but not because of the many parts of its systems or operations which I don't as yet understand. Right now I have to keep Outlook going on both it and the PC because it is not cooperating fully and some emails come on the Mac, others on the PC and still others, sometimes, on both. Ah technology!
I was just on the phone and reminded of my new big task. I want to give Ben's gently worn clothes to the relief for the Joplin tornado victims that the church is organizing. I am not otherwise ready to do this but I feel this is so important an opportunity to do good that I simply must. There surely is someone who is a large tall (3XT) wearing a 13 or 14 wide shoe who needs these things so much and there aren't too many donors that size. I think I have covered my limitations in that I said I will get the things down to the church but I will not organize and mark them. Someone else can do that. In exchange I will help elsewhere in the donations of ladies clothes or toys, household goods, whatever. I can't really imagine the level of need for those people but I do know I must try to help as much as possible. I am breaking into my stash also as I can really imagine how deep the need is for a knitter or crocheter to be able to get her hands on yarn. The therapy inherent in the act of doing needlework can be so very helpful - that I know. I am also going to load books. Once you start thinking, the list just grows. Such a long list of needs emerges when your world as you know it has blown away, really blown away, not just figuratively.
We have finally got our plans for the Oshkosh trip worked out. Benj has to fly up commercially Thursday to work the airshow for Cessna and Sarah, the kids and I will drive up Saturday. We will all stay in Madison Saturday night (which makes the drive seem much shorter) and go on to the service all together Sunday AM. We'll go back to Madison, change back into driving clothes and return home Sunday afternoon and Benj will fly on to Hartford Conn. Monday AM. So much for the biz jet. It seems Cessna is only flying up with a load of people the first Sunday and retrieving them on the 31st. I really am more comfortable with my own plans and transport and not being a Cessna PR item. This change of transport occurred in a series of misadventures today but seem to be set now. I have to go to the farmers' market tomorrow to get some fresh produce for Benj and Amy's party Saturday. I am taking a couple of salads.
It's 12:23 and I must get sleep.
Things are fairly routine right now. I have gardening to do and yard work collecting and breaking down branches and vines when it is not too hot to be able to work outside. There is straightening, organizing, and the consequent throwing away and hauling it off to the recycle or trash pickup. And, for respite, there is knitting as well as cooking, as necessary. There is also working on the computer systems as I try to convert to my new Mac notebook which I love for the feel and look of it but not because of the many parts of its systems or operations which I don't as yet understand. Right now I have to keep Outlook going on both it and the PC because it is not cooperating fully and some emails come on the Mac, others on the PC and still others, sometimes, on both. Ah technology!
I was just on the phone and reminded of my new big task. I want to give Ben's gently worn clothes to the relief for the Joplin tornado victims that the church is organizing. I am not otherwise ready to do this but I feel this is so important an opportunity to do good that I simply must. There surely is someone who is a large tall (3XT) wearing a 13 or 14 wide shoe who needs these things so much and there aren't too many donors that size. I think I have covered my limitations in that I said I will get the things down to the church but I will not organize and mark them. Someone else can do that. In exchange I will help elsewhere in the donations of ladies clothes or toys, household goods, whatever. I can't really imagine the level of need for those people but I do know I must try to help as much as possible. I am breaking into my stash also as I can really imagine how deep the need is for a knitter or crocheter to be able to get her hands on yarn. The therapy inherent in the act of doing needlework can be so very helpful - that I know. I am also going to load books. Once you start thinking, the list just grows. Such a long list of needs emerges when your world as you know it has blown away, really blown away, not just figuratively.
We have finally got our plans for the Oshkosh trip worked out. Benj has to fly up commercially Thursday to work the airshow for Cessna and Sarah, the kids and I will drive up Saturday. We will all stay in Madison Saturday night (which makes the drive seem much shorter) and go on to the service all together Sunday AM. We'll go back to Madison, change back into driving clothes and return home Sunday afternoon and Benj will fly on to Hartford Conn. Monday AM. So much for the biz jet. It seems Cessna is only flying up with a load of people the first Sunday and retrieving them on the 31st. I really am more comfortable with my own plans and transport and not being a Cessna PR item. This change of transport occurred in a series of misadventures today but seem to be set now. I have to go to the farmers' market tomorrow to get some fresh produce for Benj and Amy's party Saturday. I am taking a couple of salads.
It's 12:23 and I must get sleep.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Picking Up Pieces
Ben was the consummate fireworks unindicted co-conspirator for Kelsey - and on occasion, Emma. Last month Kelsey asked, as the fireworks stands started to appear around the edges of town, "Are you going to take me around to get fireworks?" "Of course," I said brightly, "If you want me to." And so today we did just that. Emma came along, too. And just to know background, I had arranged for Kelsey, Emma and me to go down to visit Benj and his family for the 4th. I knew I couldn't in all good mental and emotional health stay at home facing alone both Ben's and Robert's birthdays (on the 2nd and 3rd) and a favorite holiday. I couldn't figure out anything exiting other than spending time with still more grands so I invited myself to Benj's. This is a somewhat bold but necessary thing to do and something I don't feel Benj feels too used about. So, on with the story, Kelsey spent much of the past week poring over fireworks ads, looking at the stands as he went around town, making notes of coupons and what he wanted to buy as well as laying out a route. I amended it to include a stop at the airport to pay the hangar rental while we were at the stand about a block away. Kelsey asked if I was going to go into the stands with them or wait in the car. To know my options, one must realize it is sunny and 93 degrees as we leave the house, would you wait in the car? It seems in the recent years Ben waited in the car. I didn't. Also, I had a secret agenda of basically buying most of the fireworks, after Kelsey and Emma selected them thinking they were going to pay. This way they would get what they wanted and be aware of the cost but still not out much money. I feel constantly in a position of wanting to do for them as a thank you for their daily kinds of help and conpanionship. We started out on the route Kelsey had laid out and he also got to do a little more driving. He seemed to prefer looking at his ads after the first group of stands so I took over the driver duties. We went to four tent-style stands and in each I picked up the majority of the tab after the kids selected the assortment. I, being a fireworks neophyte just read descriptions and asked questions about various kinds of boomers and then pulled out the wallet at the sales counter - AND by 4 stops while the temperature rose and the Escape information panel informed me it was now 99 degrees I melted. It was passed glow or any other mid-Victorian nicety, I sweat! By that time we also had a nice stash of various kinds of displays for both little kids and older ones, day and night. Benj's neighbor is really doing a big display for the evening of the 4th so I thought it not such a good idea to take over part of his act. Kelsey was missing that aspect of his purchases so I suggested we have a small display at home tonight after dark. That seemed like a good idea, so he selected some for that. I requested that we have a few for midnight on New Year's Eve since I truly want to celebrate putting 2011 behind me, another idea that met with approval and understanding. As we got into the car after the last of the tent stands Kelsey said rather sternly, "Gram, we are going to have to cut you off. You have bought enough fireworks." I think that really meant I had done well. We went into the one stand left, the one with air-conditioning and they found the few that they felt they still needed and then Kelsey treated us to a limeade as we headed back home. Kelsey arranged a show at 9:00 PM in the driveway and we had plastic chairs set up for viewing. It was a pretty fine show but I rather over-envisioned the American flag aspect of one of the goodies I bought. It said that it had showers of colors and an American flag at the end. I thought that meant up in the air a flag would erupt in fiery colors. Wrong! After a fountain of colors shot out of the top there was a kind of a pop and upon later inspection a small plastic flag came out on a paper flagpole - not really visible in the dark, but what can one expect for 75 cents!?!
Actually two things - we had fun in the buying expedition and the show and, most importantly, I think the kids and my entry level upper management fellow would be, if not proud of me, at least satisfied that I was trying to fill in. Oh, I also found out that he had stayed in the car after the year he bought one $30.00 aerial boomer. I think it was financial self-preservation trumping high heat.
Actually two things - we had fun in the buying expedition and the show and, most importantly, I think the kids and my entry level upper management fellow would be, if not proud of me, at least satisfied that I was trying to fill in. Oh, I also found out that he had stayed in the car after the year he bought one $30.00 aerial boomer. I think it was financial self-preservation trumping high heat.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Time Like a River
Another 25th has past and we moved on to starting the fourth month. So far that date doesn't hurt any less as the months have gone by. I was very low this weekend and haven't figured out the exact reason as yet. Usually I can determine the trigger but not this time. There just was such sadness and tears quite close to the surface. I think much came from thinking about events in March, especially those surrounding the new bishop consecreation, which was supposed to be the "biggie" event for that month. I also am so very aware of Ben's birthday coming up next Sunday. There are so many happy and funny memories about that day over the years. It is already a hard day to think about and it isn't here yet. I will be so glad when the time comes that I can enjoy the memories. Right now it is such a waste to have them and not want to let them out of the bottle because they are too painful in their never-to-be-repeated joy.
I spent some good time today cooking up a lunch for Chad's birthday. It is a really selfish treat for me for I so much enjoy cooking things I can't really justify cooking for myself, the dogs, and the garbage disposal's fill. We are having pulled pork sandwiches, broccoli slaw, eggs stuffed with goat cheese and chutney (Ben's favorite deviled egg), a variation on caprese (made with two colors of cherry tomatoes, fresh mozzarella pearls and fresh basil), and a Meyer lemon tart for dessert. I will take the leftover pork as sliders down to Wichita for Sunday supper. The house smelled so good from the pulled pork and BBQ sauce! the light lemon scent at the last was just the right touch.
It is now 2:30 AM and the thunderstorms for the night have set in. I think we failed to generate a storm last night which is the first omission in quite a long time. Molly is even beginning to get used to the noise and lightning flashes and is sleeping on the floor at my feet. We are back into the hot, hot and humid sunny days pattern which killed off the last veggie garden. I'll cross my fingers the veggies endure the weather this time since I think it is too late to replant one more time.
The church golf tournament is over which closes another chapter of things Ben and I did together. I think the ending of the golf event is probably the root of the sorrow. It is time flowing away carrying me farther from where I want to be and with whom. It is also the season of flooding - on the river and in my emotions - in both cases the flood comes no matter what wall of defense is put up.
I spent some good time today cooking up a lunch for Chad's birthday. It is a really selfish treat for me for I so much enjoy cooking things I can't really justify cooking for myself, the dogs, and the garbage disposal's fill. We are having pulled pork sandwiches, broccoli slaw, eggs stuffed with goat cheese and chutney (Ben's favorite deviled egg), a variation on caprese (made with two colors of cherry tomatoes, fresh mozzarella pearls and fresh basil), and a Meyer lemon tart for dessert. I will take the leftover pork as sliders down to Wichita for Sunday supper. The house smelled so good from the pulled pork and BBQ sauce! the light lemon scent at the last was just the right touch.
It is now 2:30 AM and the thunderstorms for the night have set in. I think we failed to generate a storm last night which is the first omission in quite a long time. Molly is even beginning to get used to the noise and lightning flashes and is sleeping on the floor at my feet. We are back into the hot, hot and humid sunny days pattern which killed off the last veggie garden. I'll cross my fingers the veggies endure the weather this time since I think it is too late to replant one more time.
The church golf tournament is over which closes another chapter of things Ben and I did together. I think the ending of the golf event is probably the root of the sorrow. It is time flowing away carrying me farther from where I want to be and with whom. It is also the season of flooding - on the river and in my emotions - in both cases the flood comes no matter what wall of defense is put up.
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