Time Like a River

Another 25th has past and we moved on to starting the fourth month. So far that date doesn't hurt any less as the months have gone by.  I was very low this weekend and haven't figured out the exact reason as yet. Usually I can determine the trigger but not this time. There just was such sadness and tears quite close to the surface. I think much came from thinking about events in March, especially those surrounding the new bishop consecreation, which was supposed to be the "biggie" event for that month. I also am so very aware of Ben's birthday coming up next Sunday. There are so many happy and funny memories about that day over the years. It is already a hard day to think about and it isn't here yet. I will be so glad when the time comes that I can enjoy the memories. Right now it is such a waste to have them and not want to let them out of the bottle because they are too painful in their never-to-be-repeated joy.
I spent some good time  today cooking up a lunch for Chad's birthday. It is a really selfish treat for me for I so much enjoy cooking things I can't really justify cooking for myself, the dogs, and the garbage disposal's fill.  We are having pulled pork sandwiches, broccoli slaw, eggs stuffed with goat cheese and chutney (Ben's favorite deviled egg), a variation on caprese (made with two colors of cherry tomatoes,  fresh mozzarella pearls and fresh basil), and a Meyer lemon tart for dessert. I will take the leftover pork as sliders down to Wichita for Sunday supper. The house smelled so good from the pulled pork and BBQ sauce! the light lemon scent at the last was just the right touch.
It is now 2:30 AM and the thunderstorms for the night have set in. I think we failed to generate a storm last night which is the first omission in quite a long time. Molly is even beginning to get used to the noise and lightning flashes and is sleeping on the floor at my feet. We are back into the hot, hot and humid sunny days pattern which killed off the last veggie garden. I'll cross my fingers the veggies endure the weather this time since I think it is too late to replant one more time.
The church golf tournament is over which closes another chapter of things Ben and I did together. I think the ending of the golf event is probably the root of the sorrow. It is time flowing away carrying me farther from where I want to be  and with whom. It is also the season of flooding - on the river and in my emotions - in both cases the flood comes no matter what wall of defense is put up.