Dear God,
This is Joyce. I mean no disrespect but please, it's been almost three months now and I am still wondering: Why did this happen? What is the lesson in all of this? What did I, and more importantly my children and grandchildren, need to learn? I don't get it yet. Will I? Will they?
We just had a not so good Father's Day. My son got a gift that he actually wanted and a loving card but signed only by his mom. My children and grands didn't get to make visits or calls to Poppa. They had their hole in the heart feelings back to the forefront - again. And they know it is the bad season where they will not feel better until they are past his birthday on July 3rd. Poor Zach had to read a birthday card for the first time signed only by his Gams and had a renewed feeling of loss. I have believed for many years there is a lesson in everything, but I am not seeing anything of this magnitude we needed to learn. I never, in 49 years, let the sun set on an argument or left him without an "I love you". I don't think I am that evil and I know he wasn't and surely the grands didn't earn their pain. Why then? I want so much to gain something positive from any experience but I can't see the good in this situation - or even a worthwhile negative. There is just a void. I learned voids years ago as the rest of my family died. I didn't need to lose Ben to know loss.
[Maybe I just got a sign that I should not be writing this. We are in the midst of a thunderstorm and all the lights went off. Sorry, God, I'm not through yet.]
For some reason these past two days I have had two thoughts running through my mind. One is the question of what the lesson is in this and the other is the old hymn "His Eye is on the Sparrow". I can't understand the why of those two converging thoughts either. But I must say I can only conclude for now that He missed a sparrow. His eye wasn't on "our sparrow" and now there is a whole flock adrift.
Please God, what were you thinking?
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