The above is one of my favorite phrases from French class, translate: the more things change, the more they remain the same (extra words are for clarity). That is sort of the stage I am stuck in right now. Every morning when I awake Ben dies again as I emerge from sleep and confront the day. Doing this for some several months becomes demoralizing and discouraging. You can not know how much I want to move past this but as yet I really don't know how it will happen. If it could become a fact that falls about me as a mantle, there at all times, that might do it. Is that acceptance?
Things are fairly routine right now. I have gardening to do and yard work collecting and breaking down branches and vines when it is not too hot to be able to work outside. There is straightening, organizing, and the consequent throwing away and hauling it off to the recycle or trash pickup. And, for respite, there is knitting as well as cooking, as necessary. There is also working on the computer systems as I try to convert to my new Mac notebook which I love for the feel and look of it but not because of the many parts of its systems or operations which I don't as yet understand. Right now I have to keep Outlook going on both it and the PC because it is not cooperating fully and some emails come on the Mac, others on the PC and still others, sometimes, on both. Ah technology!
I was just on the phone and reminded of my new big task. I want to give Ben's gently worn clothes to the relief for the Joplin tornado victims that the church is organizing. I am not otherwise ready to do this but I feel this is so important an opportunity to do good that I simply must. There surely is someone who is a large tall (3XT) wearing a 13 or 14 wide shoe who needs these things so much and there aren't too many donors that size. I think I have covered my limitations in that I said I will get the things down to the church but I will not organize and mark them. Someone else can do that. In exchange I will help elsewhere in the donations of ladies clothes or toys, household goods, whatever. I can't really imagine the level of need for those people but I do know I must try to help as much as possible. I am breaking into my stash also as I can really imagine how deep the need is for a knitter or crocheter to be able to get her hands on yarn. The therapy inherent in the act of doing needlework can be so very helpful - that I know. I am also going to load books. Once you start thinking, the list just grows. Such a long list of needs emerges when your world as you know it has blown away, really blown away, not just figuratively.
We have finally got our plans for the Oshkosh trip worked out. Benj has to fly up commercially Thursday to work the airshow for Cessna and Sarah, the kids and I will drive up Saturday. We will all stay in Madison Saturday night (which makes the drive seem much shorter) and go on to the service all together Sunday AM. We'll go back to Madison, change back into driving clothes and return home Sunday afternoon and Benj will fly on to Hartford Conn. Monday AM. So much for the biz jet. It seems Cessna is only flying up with a load of people the first Sunday and retrieving them on the 31st. I really am more comfortable with my own plans and transport and not being a Cessna PR item. This change of transport occurred in a series of misadventures today but seem to be set now. I have to go to the farmers' market tomorrow to get some fresh produce for Benj and Amy's party Saturday. I am taking a couple of salads.
It's 12:23 and I must get sleep.
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